HOW TO SAVE YOURS

Marriage has received a lot of bad publicity.

Every day, we hear stories of husbands who have done this, wives who have done that, couples fighting, separating, cheating, abusing one another and sometimes ending up in court or even in the grave.

But perhaps it’s time to go back to the basics.

Marriage was designed by God, and if we want to save our marriages, we must return to God’s principles for marriage.

“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Matthew 19:6 KJV

Marriage is not supposed to be a battlefield. It is supposed to be a covenant.

1. VIOLENCE IS NOT LOVE

One of the most dangerous things we have normalised is violence in marriage.

We sometimes laugh about statements such as, “He beats me because he loves me.”

No.

Love should never require violence.

A slap can become a punch. A punch can become a serious injury. An argument can escalate into the use of an axe, a knife, a firearm or poisonous chemicals. What began as “just a fight” can end with someone losing their life.

The Bible gives us a completely different picture of love.

“Love is patient, love is kind.”
1 Corinthians 13:4

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”
Ephesians 5:25 KJV

Abuse is not patience. Abuse is not kindness. Hurting your spouse and calling it love does not make it love.

A husband should not use his physical strength to intimidate his wife. A wife should not use emotional, financial or legal power to control her husband.

Power in marriage is not given to one spouse so that the other can be dominated.

Christ’s strength was expressed through sacrificial love. That is the model.

2. MARRIAGE CAN BECOME A WAR ZONE WHEN POWER CHANGES HANDS

Some marriages experience a dramatic change when circumstances change.

This can happen particularly in the diaspora.

A couple may move from Zimbabwe to another country. The person who previously depended financially on their spouse may suddenly become the main breadwinner. One spouse may receive permanent residency or citizenship. The other may become dependent on their immigration status.

The balance of power changes.

And sometimes, instead of using that new position to strengthen the marriage, one spouse begins to use it to control the other.

Coming home late becomes a weapon. Money becomes a weapon. Immigration status becomes a weapon. Sex becomes a weapon. Children become a weapon. Silence becomes a weapon.

The marriage slowly becomes a place where both people are trying to win instead of a place where both people are trying to build.

That is not God’s design.

A marriage covenant must not become a power struggle.

3. FORGIVENESS MUST DEAL WITH THE PAST

One of the biggest problems in marriage is unresolved hurt.

You apologised, but the issue never really died.

You said, “I forgive you,” but six months later you brought the same offence back into another argument.

You cannot build a peaceful marriage while constantly reopening yesterday’s wounds.

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:32 KJV

Forgiveness means I release the offence to God.

It means I refuse to keep using yesterday’s mistake as a weapon against you.

But forgiveness does not mean pretending nothing happened.

It does not mean ignoring abuse.

It does not mean refusing to establish boundaries.

It does not mean remaining in immediate danger.

Where there has been violence or abuse, there must be safety, accountability, appropriate counselling and, where necessary, involvement of the relevant authorities.

Sometimes reconciliation requires genuine repentance and changed behaviour.

And sometimes, after serious harm and repeated failed attempts at resolution, separation may be necessary for safety.

You can forgive someone and still choose to walk away from an unsafe environment.

You must not die trying to prove that you are a forgiving Christian.

4. COMMUNICATION IS MORE THAN SPEAKING

Many couples talk every day but hardly communicate.

They speak, but they don’t listen.

They answer before their partner has finished.

They assume they know what the other person meant.

They hear words but miss the heart behind those words.

Successful marriages learn to listen.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
James 1:19 KJV

Ask yourself:

Did my spouse hear what I meant?

And not merely:

Did I say what I meant?

There is a difference.

Communication requires grace.

Sometimes your spouse is not trying to attack you. They are trying to explain that they are hurt.

Sometimes your partner isn’t looking for a solution immediately. They simply need you to listen.

Make communication a priority.

Talk about your expectations. Talk about your fears. Talk about your finances. Talk about your children. Talk about intimacy. Talk about your families. Talk about your future.

Don’t wait until there is a crisis before you start talking.

5. MAKE YOUR SPOUSE FEEL LOVED AND HONOURED

Love should not only exist in your heart. Your spouse should experience it.

Tell your wife that you love her. Tell your husband that you appreciate him.

Hold hands. Celebrate one another. Defend one another.

Speak well of one another in public. Correct one another privately.

Don’t make your spouse compete with another person for your attention, affection or loyalty.

Your spouse should not constantly wonder:

“Do I still matter to you?”

Make it clear.

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”
1 Corinthians 7:3 KJV

Value your spouse’s wellbeing.

You cannot easily destroy what you genuinely value.

6. MONEY CAN BECOME A SILENT ENEMY

Finances are one of the areas that can put enormous pressure on a marriage.

The problem is not always lack of money.

Sometimes the problem is secrecy.

Secret accounts. Secret investments. Secret properties. Secret debts. Secret Mukando contributions. Secret financial assistance to relatives. Secret spending with friends.

A couple can live in the same house and have completely different financial lives.

That is dangerous.

If you are married, learn to talk about money.

“The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness; but of every one that is hasty only to want.”
Proverbs 21:5 KJV

Ask one another:

How much do we earn?

How much do we owe?

What are we saving?

What are we investing?

What are we giving?

How much are we sending home?

What can we afford?

What can’t we afford?

These conversations may not always be comfortable, but they are necessary.

A husband cannot spend every weekend with the boys and then complain that there is no money for his wife and children.

A wife cannot secretly accumulate money and investments while expecting her husband to carry every household responsibility.

Marriage requires financial honesty.

7. EXTENDED FAMILY CAN PUT PRESSURE ON A MARRIAGE

In African families, marriage does not always involve only two people.

There are parents, siblings, in-laws, nephews, nieces, friends and sometimes an entire extended family looking to one married couple for financial support.

Many parents sacrificed to educate their children. Inflation has also destroyed the financial security that many older people once had.

So the responsibility placed on adult children can be enormous.

But marriage needs boundaries.

Your parents matter. Your spouse matters. Your children matter.

The challenge is learning how to honour everyone without destroying the household God has entrusted to you.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.”
Genesis 2:24 KJV

Leaving does not mean abandoning your parents. It means establishing a new primary household.

You and your spouse must discuss what you can realistically afford to give your families.

Don’t compete over whose parents deserve more.

Don’t secretly send money.

Don’t make financial decisions behind your spouse’s back.

Build systems.

Perhaps you can agree on a monthly amount for family support. Perhaps you can contribute toward building a house for parents. Perhaps you can help them establish a small business or another sustainable source of income.

The goal should not simply be to keep rescuing everyone every month. The goal should be to create sustainable solutions where possible.

8. CHOOSE YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT ABANDONING YOUR FAMILY

Your marriage needs protection.

If your household is constantly one financial emergency away from collapse because you are trying to meet every demand from relatives and friends, something needs to change.

You cannot pour endlessly from an empty cup.

A couple must learn to say:

“This is what we can afford.”

And sometimes:

“We cannot afford that right now.”

That is not selfishness. That is stewardship.

You cannot save every person financially while destroying the very family God has entrusted to you.

9. STOP COMPETING AND START BUILDING

A marriage is not a competition between husband and wife.

Your wife’s success is not your failure.

Your husband’s success is not your failure.

Her salary is not your enemy.

His business is not your enemy.

Her family is not your enemy.

His family is not your enemy.

The question should be:

How do we win together?

“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9 KJV

Build together.

Pray together.

Plan together.

Save together.

Raise your children together.

Serve God together.

Celebrate together.

Cry together.

And when one of you is weak, let the other become strong enough to carry the load.

10. GO BACK TO THE COVENANT

Perhaps the greatest way to save a marriage is to remember what marriage is.

It is not merely companionship. It is not merely sex. It is not merely sharing bills. It is not merely having children.

Marriage is covenant.

And covenant requires commitment.

There will be seasons when money is tight. There will be misunderstandings. There will be disappointment. There will be mistakes. There will be seasons when one person carries more than the other.

But the answer cannot always be escape.

Sometimes the answer is repentance.

Sometimes it is counselling.

Sometimes it is forgiveness.

Sometimes it is learning how to communicate.

Sometimes it is financial restructuring.

Sometimes it is setting boundaries with extended family.

And where there is abuse, the first priority is safety and accountability.

We need to save marriages, but we must also save lives.